It has been a long time since I have felt “right”. I spend much of my time wishing I could just feel normal. It is a strange thing, I think about many other people around the world who spend their time trying to get “messed up”. They drink all around the world & to tell the truth I have tipped a few back in my day as well. There are people who do drugs of all sorts to change their perception on life. Many times you see this abuse with illegal drugs but in todays world there are just as many people abusing prescription medications. Many people stumble through life in a fog. Going from one drug to the next not even thinking about what a gift it can be to feel just as god intended. Without any pain or nausea or feeling like you have one too many medications running through your body for your own good.
I spend much of my time on something. This is not of my own doing. I am very sick & the medications they give me are all that are keeping me in this world but they do more than just that. I feel hazy & sick most of the time. I have been under the influence of them for so long I am starting to forget what it feels like to just feel normal. I have been trying my best to do everything that will heal me as soon as possible. The doctors have been saying pretty much the same thing this whole time, they are doing everything in their power to make me better & they have high hopes. I have always taken comfort in that even though I realize it is probably just something they say to everyone in order to get the reaction that I gave them. Those may be just comfort words but they always made me feel better when I heard them.
Besides being on something most of the time it’s hard to find peace when you live in a place that is surrounded by families. I know this sounds like a strange oxymoron complaint but when those families are full of loud kids who make loud noises all afternoon or play loud music, it’s really hard to find peace. This had been really breaking me down for a while until a friend pointed me in the direction of having a conversation with my neighbors. The idea of doing this was really hard at first, considering I had already spent so much time feeling angry about it. I did my online hw of reading articles and contacting mentors. I learned some tips from my Aunt and got up the courage to start talking.
I was in a meeting discussing my future treatments & the doctor told me about some new breakthroughs which have shown significant promise. There are people who are experiencing real relief from these new programs & even though the are experimental they are they best chance they can find to make me better. Of course I jumped at the opportunity to get in on the treatment. I am hoping for the best, all the while preparing for the worst. What I am most excited about though is the possibility that I could once again just make it through a day without any medication effecting or distorting my perception of reality. I want to just make it a day feeling normal & from where I am sitting that looks like it could be possible again.