I have been taking a look around me to see what it is that I am trying so desperately to hold on to. I have been doing every thing in my power to try not to think about my problems. I have gone out of my way to block the issues from my mind and go on about life as if nothing were wrong. I am not sure that I can do that any more even if I wanted to. I have spent too much time turning a blind eye and I will not have it anymore. It seems to me that is not the right way to live life, no matter how short it may turn out to be. Without feeling the emotions that come with everything I am experiencing, I have managed to keep myself going. But what is life without emotions.
All this started after my girlfriend and I were in a serious car accident. Although we were both injured, we were convinced by our insurance company to settle. This was a big mistake. In hind sight I should have hired a car injury attorney. We were definitely not adequately compensated for our current and it turned out potentially future medical costs resulting from injuries sustained in the car accident. We did not even realize that the insurance company was taking advantage of us. Although a car accident lawyer working on a contingency basis gets a sizable chunk of the monies paid out in a law suit settlement, the monies that they victim receives is often way more than what the insurance company would offer. Well, the physical injuries have mostly healed, but the mental issues that resulted from the car accident are really debilitating.
I may be ill. I may have problems that most people will, thankfully, never have to experience. Even though the experiences are hard to deal with & in many cases hurt a lot they are all valid & deserve to be dealt with. Leaving so many emotions unchecked has brought me to a place where I feel like I am drowning all of the time. I have tried to stay positive & energetic. I have tried to continue my life as though nothing is going wrong but that is only making the situation much, much worse. The most healthy way to deal with a problem is almost always to meet it head on & take care of it when it arises. I do not know what made me feel that this could be any different. Now that I have made the decision to face this, I feel much more empowered already.
I know that I have the support structure to help me through anything & I must now lean on them more than ever. I am really letting this sink in and just now coming to some very hard conclusions about what my options are. I am facing the fact that I am not immortal and this may be a losing battle. I want you all to know that this does not mean I am losing hope, or giving up. It is actually the exact opposite. I have a renewed sense of life. I want now, more than ever, to live a long and healthy life. I think that by not facing the problems I have faced on all levels, I have stunted my own ability to fight it off. I think that by embracing all of the possibilities I will allow my mind, spirit and body to come to grips with this. I will fight my way out of trouble.